Miscarriage: 5 Helpful Tips for Coping
on Jun 14, 2012
by Tiffany Merritt
Miscarriage can be one of the most difficult experiences to go through when trying to conceive. Check this out for the 5 tips for coping with your grief.
Let’s talk about a difficult topic – miscarriage.
It’s been estimated that up to 25% of clinically verifiable pregnancies end in miscarriage. It is extremely common. Fifty to seventy-five percent of these miscarriages are actually chemical pregnancies, that is where that’s a very early miscarriage where maybe there was a problem with cell division and various early stages where there were some chromosomal abnormality with the egg and so you’re pregnancy lasts only a very brief period of time. That’s the majority of miscarriages that happens. Claim Your 20 Free Pregnancy Tests – Click Here
I have had a miscarriage, it was a chemical pregnancy, I might have not even ever known that I was pregnant had I not been watching like a hawk because we were trying to get pregnant. So you know I was testing the day of my expected period and the day after, things like that. So we discovered that we were pregnant on a Wednesday and kept it to ourselves for just twenty-four hours and then told our closest friends and family, because we’re very excited, and that was on Thursday. On Friday, I started kind of spotting a little bit, went to the doctor but she said, “Okay, you know, you’re looking fine. Everything looks normal, your hormonal levels are normal.” They did an ultrasound but it was, excuse the cat, it was so early that they weren’t really picking up anything and they said, “Oh, you’re so early that we’re not really that worried.”
By Monday at work, there was bright red blood and then I knew I was miscarrying. And then, I went home, Tim got me and we both took the next day off and took some time to grieve. We both needed it, it was tough. One of the things I want to tell you is, if you experience a miscarriage, please know that you are not alone. You may be surprised to discover how many people you know have had miscarriages that maybe they never talked with you about it, but if you’re open and tell someone you’re going through that, it will really surprise you how many girls will say, “I’ve been through it.”
On the flip side, you may find that you’re not getting the words of comfort that you need from friends and family or people you may know but in situations like this they often don’t know what to say. And you know sometimes they say things like, this is all for the best. Or even being more upbeat saying, “Oh just try again, you know, miscarriages are so common!” I’ve heard all of those things and depending on where you’re at on your grieving process, they’re really not what you want to hear. I personally found that it was helpful for me to seek out online communities, people I didn’t actually know in real life but who I knew had been through the same thing I was going through and so who actually did know how I felt. That was really helpful and healing for me. It’s also important to give your partner time to grieve as I mentioned before, Tim really needed that space, and it was important that he didn’t strictly feel like he had to be strong for me. He did feel some of that but I needed to give him that time and space where I could be his shoulder to cry on as well.
I also want to let you know that whatever you’re feeling about a miscarriage is valid. In our case, we only knew we were pregnant for five days before the pregnancy was over. I had one person say to me you know, they genuinely felt that they were absolutely devastated that we had lost a baby.
Now I tell you Tim and I didn’t feel that way, we did feel that we had lost a dream, something that we’d hoped for we were already feeling attached but just in terms of when the pregnancy ended, we didn’t personally feel that we had lost a child. You may not feel the same way, even if your pregnancy is as brief as mine. And that’s absolutely fine. However you feel about it is okay, it’s okay to feel that way. Even if other people don’t agree with you, don’t understand, it doesn’t matter. They’re your feelings, you’re entitled to them.
The other thing I wanted to tell you is- my experience about one of the very hardest things about pregnancy, excuse me, about miscarriage. And that is, I found that it robbed me of the excitement and the thrill that comes with future positive pregnancy test. When I had discovered I was pregnant just a few months later, with the little one who had turned into my oldest little girl, I greeted that positive pregnancy sign with an eye roll and a, “We’ll see”. I was defensive. I was trying to protect myself. I didn’t know how to feel joy with the joy I felt the first time around because that dream was snatched from me and I didn’t want that to happen again so I was very guarded.
But I can tell you from my experience that there are things that you can do to hamper a pregnancy or, you know, there are things that you can do that are not good for pregnancy- drinking, smoking, all that kind of stuff. There’s not a lot that you can do, not really much of anything you can do to make a pregnancy viable that otherwise might not have been. That’s just the truth.
So the thing is, worrying incessantly, feeling sad, feeling hopeless, feeling not sure that a pregnancy is going to stick, none of that will help a pregnancy stick – none of it. Worrying doesn’t help. So, my last bit of advice to you is, if and when you find that next pregnancy, positive pregnancy test, you may as well choose joy and embrace and love that new dream because in doing that, you certainly don’t hurt your chances of the pregnancy being viable. Best of luck.
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Tiffany is a mompreneur & editor whose parenting tips and product recommendations can be found at her popular blog, Stuff Parents Need, where she's busy making life a little less hectic for new parents.